I'm sitting here in my old room, talking to and thinking about new people, and something feels strange. Saves the Day is playing on my laptop, and that alone reminds me of sophomore year: Sunday night walks around town, driving back from Mike's wake, and afternoons on back porches. I left that part of my life a while ago. Some might say when I realized that half of the people I spent time with then are no longer a part of my life, minus two or three people. But mostly, I left that part of my life when I moved away. I moved away and learned that some people will come and go from your life like a blip on a radar. Some are constantly there, somewhere in the background like radio static, and some are by your side no matter what. I seem to always be having this epiphany about people and friends, but it's true.
For some reason, I can never sleep the night before something important. Today held no other importance other than the fact that I was going home and Mike was taking me out to lunch, but I still couldn't sleep. I started thinking about a bunch of stuff that was at best, a bunch of useless thoughts. I thought about what could best be known as the biggest waste of year and three months of my life. If you knew me in high school, you can pinpoint exactly who that waste of time was. Sometimes when I smell weed and cigarettes, mixed with a father and son devastated by a divorce that was a long time coming, I'm reminded of Josh. I feel like I'm going to be sick, and it's not sick with regret or being upset, it's mostly because I'm a completely different person right now and I can't believe I put up with some of the stuff I did. Getting called at 3am, accused of being out at a party, when I obviously had been woken up.. the saddest thing was that I reassured him "No baby, I love you. Go back to bed, you had a bad dream" not "No, you're an idiot if you think I would do that to you. Use your senses" No. None of that was said. Sadly, I could not even come up with something mean enough to say when he told me he cheated on me, something he had said I would eventually do to him. Right.
Back to how I am now. I feel like I'm a million times better, less likely to get walked all over, but just as weary towards guys who seem like they'll cheat. What can I say? After being reassured that a girl is "harmless, just a close female friend" time and time again, how will I know that the second I leave the country she isn't jumping on my boyfriend's dick? Most importantly, after everything: the attempts at controlling and manipulating me, I have walked away a much stronger person. I'm not afraid to tell anyone exactly what I think, want or need. I don't need someone to set me boundaries and I sure as hell won't take shit from anyone.
With that being said, I would like to leave off on a lighter note that the beginnings of a relationship when you first start falling for someone is some of the best times in the world
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