all roads point right back to home.

I'm not sure when it all started, but somewhere in between making a cheesecake and catching up on the DV-R, I started to feel like steam was shooting out of my ears and felt really angry for absolutely no reason. Maybe it started when I walked out of high school for the last time and began meeting other people than the ones I talked to when I thought it was alright to eat play-dough and I pretended I was one of the Spice Girls at recess. Yeah, that was probably it.

I don't think I'll ever understand the concept of counting down the days till I come home, unless it's to see my parents or to feel the comfort of a "home." Home is hard to come by in an environment of bottle collections, tagged photos, lecture halls, elevator noise, pop tabs in milk jugs, creaky doors and shared bathrooms. To me, home is walking in the front door and seeing that it really is me that makes the mess in our house. My parents have put bets on how long it would take for me to take over all of the free space. It's hard not to, because after moving on to college, home is never really a permanent thing, I feel like. Home can be found randomly at school, though. It comes in small doses- salvation as the nervous freshman who isn't sure who they're going to eat dinner with on their first night of school. Then you find out the dining center is serving something your mom always used to cook, and everyone on your floor wants you to eat with them. Home is getting mail, being with friends, and the familiarity that begins to fill your day. College has become more like home to me, in part because there is less tying me to Round Lake now that everything I care about other than my parents is gone.

Home to me is branching out and meeting the people that exist outside of my zip code. Maybe then, when I have spent time hearing about other places, other lives, can I truly realize that I don't hate all of this town. The way that the whole subdivision decides to mow its lawn within 24 hours and the whole world seems to smell like freshly cut grass. How I can't go anywhere with either of my parents without them seeing someone they know. 

I don't need to come home to find some of my best friends. I could see them a million miles away from the 847 and it would be the same friendship. I don't need to spend every single weekend visiting them at their schools or hosting them in mine, because I don't fear losing it just because we are however far away.  What reassures me the most is that with time, there is no differentiation between those close friends I have known for years and those who I met this year, other than time itself. Quality of time over quantity of years.

<3

Since it's Thanksgiving break, and since you're supposed to name off things you are thankful for, I figured that this would be appropriate to do while I'm trying to type a paper.  

-I'm thankful that I can fall down flights of stairs, run into coffee tables and doorframes on a regular basis and not die. Health is key. I guess so are bruises because they make cool stories.  

-I'm thankful for my family. That ranges from my dad never being surprised by anything and being loyal to the DV-R to the point that I know that we'll catch up on our shows within an hour of me coming home. My mom's love of Panera and always sending me mail when I'm at school with newspaper articles. Chris and his continued education at Hoodridge College. My grandma and anything that comes out of her mouth.  

-I'm thankful that I finally found a job I love going to. I'm thankful that my checks get direct deposited, but I somehow never see the money I make anyways.  

-I'm thankful for the 609 & the G-Unit. The three of you have been by my side through a ton of shit, and I'm pretty sure that in all of that, I found the people who truly matter the most.  

-I'm thankful for the leaves changing from green to all these amazing shades of orange and red. I'm thankful that leaves are somewhat soft so that when I get thrown me into a pile, I have something soft to land on.  

-I'm thankful for my given family. Twelve letters with the power to bring strangers together to become sisters. First. Finest. Forever. To all of the new girls who already are showing their dedication to the chapter, to the girls who went through it with me from the beginning, to the older girls who made us feel at home, and of course to all of the girls who are leaving this year. I don't know what I would do without you.  

-I'm thankful for sushi.  

-I'm thankful for the thread. Funny, how it's called a thread. I feel like sometimes that message between all of us as a thread that holds us all together, despite the distance and differences.  

-I am thankful that there is always an open elliptical when I go to the Rec. And that no one is ever waiting for one when I hit the 20 minute limit, so I just subtly start over. Shhh.  

-I'm thankful for how comfortable the futon is when we're cuddling and how you haven't gotten sick of lasagna rolls yet. Also, I am thankful for gas ovens that don't cause backdrafts because I do not know how to light a match.  

-I'm thankful for Von Maur.  

-I'm thankful to be doing well in all of my classes. Even if this does mean whispering answers across the row to each other during tests and quizzes.  

-I'm thankful for all of my friends, those who I see once a month, and those who are there to eat lunch with me and laugh. Those who have made a difference in my life this past year, week, whatever. I'm thankful for what we have, and what potential there is as time goes on <3

red is the color of the sun with my eyes closed

I like cyclical idioms. Like "it is what is is" and "all we are we are." I like to take solace in sayings like that, because that and the time I spent on the elliptical are about all I seem to have control over at this point. I really really have come to hate nights like this, when I don't have anything I absolutely need to be doing. Nine times out of ten, some song I used to love sophomore year of high school comes on, and I get in this miserable mood where I can't tell if I'm happy or the complete opposite. In the midst of all this, I realize that there actually are things I should be doing, things I should be saying, etc., but I lose the drive to actually do them. I can't get the question out of my head, if I should be crying over the lack of control or happy at everything I've been given. Who the hell knows.