you met my parents yesterday. I feel like that solidified how I feel about you, even if sometimes my non-existent self esteem makes me question if you feel the same way. As much as I tell people that my parents are easy to impress and 'ohh, they'll like you, don't worry' that is false hope. I feel like you genuinely did impress them, the same way you do for me. We were sitting on the couch and my head was resting on your lap and I caught you looking at me in a really loving way. You've done it before, but nestled up on the couch with me in the place I call home meant something different to me. I'm falling in love with you and I want to tell you, but at the same time I'm terrified of being vulnerable.

things are not the same

i want this dress so much, even if it means asking for it to be my birthday gift divided up amongst my relatives. i've never felt as beautiful or as skinny as i did when i tried on that dress today.

moreso than anything, i want to go back to when my mom didn't almost cry when she had to tell me she couldn't buy me something because we didn't have enough money

things are not the same.

saves the day, sophomore year & subconscious.

When I come back home from school, I feel like I'm regressing into something different.
I'm sitting here in my old room, talking to and thinking about new people, and something feels strange. Saves the Day is playing on my laptop, and that alone reminds me of sophomore year: Sunday night walks around town, driving back from Mike's wake, and afternoons on back porches. I left that part of my life a while ago. Some might say when I realized that half of the people I spent time with then are no longer a part of my life, minus two or three people. But mostly, I left that part of my life when I moved away. I moved away and learned that some people will come and go from your life like a blip on a radar. Some are constantly there, somewhere in the background like radio static, and some are by your side no matter what. I seem to always be having this epiphany about people and friends, but it's true. 

For some reason, I can never sleep the night before something important. Today held no other importance other than the fact that I was going home and Mike was taking me out to lunch, but I still couldn't sleep. I started thinking about a bunch of stuff that was at best, a bunch of useless thoughts. I thought about what could best be known as the biggest waste of year and three months of my life. If you knew me in high school, you can pinpoint exactly who that waste of time was. Sometimes when I smell weed and cigarettes, mixed with a father and son devastated by a divorce that was a long time coming, I'm reminded of Josh. I feel like I'm going to be sick, and it's not sick with regret or being upset, it's mostly because I'm a completely different person right now and I can't believe I put up with some of the stuff I did. Getting called at 3am, accused of being out at a party, when I obviously had been woken up.. the saddest thing was that I reassured him "No baby, I love you. Go back to bed, you had a bad dream" not "No, you're an idiot if you think I would do that to you. Use your senses" No. None of that was said. Sadly, I could not even come up with something mean enough to say when he told me he cheated on me, something he had said I would eventually do to him. Right.

Back to how I am now. I feel like I'm a million times better, less likely to get walked all over, but just as weary towards guys who seem like they'll cheat. What can I say? After being reassured that a girl is "harmless, just a close female friend" time and time again, how will I know that the second I leave the country she isn't jumping on my boyfriend's dick? Most importantly, after everything: the attempts at controlling and manipulating me, I have walked away a much stronger person. I'm not afraid to tell anyone exactly what I think, want or need. I don't need someone to set me boundaries and I sure as hell won't take shit from anyone.

With that being said, I would like to leave off on a lighter note that the beginnings of a relationship when you first start falling for someone is some of the best times in the world

<3

Plain and simple: the things in my life that make me happy are far more abundant that anything that's trying to bring me down. Real talk, I'm in love with the world right now for many reasons.
I'm in the process of making something awesome for someone rather important to me. Upon reading this, I'm sure it will ruin the surprise, but I can never keep things under wraps long enough for them to be a surprise anyways.
I keep going from laptop speakers to headphones because my roommate keeps walking in- a pain in the ass, but I can't help but think of how this will not be a problem next year when I have a room to myself. I'll be free to open the shades upon waking up and blast some cheery music without waking anyone up.
And most importantly, it is almost springtime and my wardrobe can expand from a hoodie underneath a North Face to, oh, just about anything.
I have found that I have a weakness for charities, especially those with exciting events and the promise of a free sweatshirt with a minimum donation. I just heard about a 2 day, 180-mile bike trip from Evanston to Lake Geneva for AIDS awareness, and really wanted to do it. I should probably just stick with training for my triathlon at the end of the summer, but I'm enticed.
Working out truly does have a positive effect on me.. come 5pm on a Monday and I can barely function unless I am en route to the Rec Center. I feel like that is an obsession I can deal with, since I've lost a Freshman 15 and then some it seems like.
Most importantly, I am in love with the world because of the people who have become my world. I feel like I am pretty good at showing my appreciation, but for the times I am not, I feel like this not would be a good reminder of just how much certain people mean to me.

-My family, for constantly harassing me via text message about something or other, or all the crazy holidays we have spent together, bonding over making fun of each other.
-To my five best friends from home: Derrik, Rob, Tabatha, Kim and Ari. I don't know how I would have survived without any one of you in my life the past few years, and even moreso now. There are, at the least 60 miles between us, and the greatest, a full day of driving. I feel like I am closer than a few minute's walk away, especially because I wish that was all it was.
-To my newfound superclose friends, the girls who were there for me when I went through hell and made it nothing short of amazing in the end. The guys who have had my back through the good times and the bad. Allie, Nicole, Sarah. Sam, Ryan, Josh. I can't imagine ever having as much fun as I've had without you all around. We are never not having fun, and I know that we'll stay close next year when we're all over campus and over the summer. There are many trips to be planned and I know I'm the one who will handle it..
-To Mike, who's been there for me more than I think he realizes. I feel like it's been such a short time, but there have been so many memories and happy times already. I love our Saturday night ritual of pizza, a movie, getting ready together and going out. I appreciate that I can come over at any time of the day and you'll probably be asleep and really, really warm. And of course, (however, I don't appreciate this, as much as I've come to tolerate it) your penchant for calling me "honey" in the most condescending tone over.
-To my sisters, Sarah, Eryn, Caitlin, Amanda, Amy, and Geralyn. I feel like I can count on you girls for anything. We've had our crazy times together, some rough times, and some really memorable times. As much as study hours start to wear on me, I dread chapter, and don't look forward to telling my mom it's time to pay dues for what seems like the tenth time this month, it's all been worth it.


So yeah, that's it.
I think this is slightly more endearing than tagging you all as South Park characters for what i think you represent, don't you think?
<3