I have never wanted to be one of those people who could write a million beautiful words to be read, but at the end of it leave someone completely puzzled as to what those words were about. I like to think that when I write words down, there's not much to be left to interpret- that my use of past tense alludes to compulsion involving cleaning, or any other bullshit like that.

Plainly stated, I've been thinking a lot about doing things while you still can, before you literally and physically cannot. My warm months started out somewhat dull and uneventful, since I was at least an hour away from most of the people I wanted to be spending time with. After a few weeks of days blending together and nothing extremely special happening, my grandma fell and broke her hip. I've never really had my own personal brush with mortality, but I'd imagine that they start to become more common the older you get. Now, you see, my grandma is eighty-six, but in her case, eighty-six is the new sixty. In between taking in Cubs games and going on cruises, my grandma doesn't stop moving. That's how she's been for as long as I can remember. Knowing that, and then seeing her in a hospital bed, blinking back tears because the pain medicine isn't strong enough, is a humbling thing. Later on, I made some remark in passing to my mom about a comment my grandma had made about using coupons to save ten cents on canned corn, or something else everyone's grandmother has probably said. My mom, laughed, but told me that I need to take advantage of the time I have with my grandma now before it's out of my control. I don't really know how many times one can be reminded to enjoy the little things, the funny aspects of something, or even the not-so-good things. I almost wonder why I have these revelations so often, as if it's a sign that I need to start appreciating more, but I already feel like I'm pretty appreciative. It's puzzling, almost.

I sat here and thought about this all for a while, mostly because I felt like I hit a brick wall with this and wasn't too sure how to sum this up, or end it, and then I sort of realized. I am a control freak. I plan things way too far in advance, almost to where it is not a good thing. If I could stop the gears in my head for two seconds and enjoy what's in front of me without contemplating how to take it farther, how to do more, or where to go next, I think I would really be able to enjoy the little things more. And that will always be my Achilles heel, especially because I don't really think being organized is a bad thing, or thinking ahead. Just maybe a little too much.

And on that note, I'm going to go read my book.

do you wanna leave or somethin'?

I have at least ten million songs stuck in my head right now, yet not one single one can describe how I'm feeling right now. Maybe because it's past 1 am which is FAR past my normal bedtime on weeknights. Maybe because everything seems really indefinite and not decided yet, that I can't really pinpoint one feeling or emotion because I don't really have just one.

Today was a really good day. I learned how my grandma and grandpa met each other, and some of the story from there- something I'd never heard before, and I don't know if my mom even is able to elaborate on. I spent the last hours of daylight on a blanket in the middle of my favorite place on earth with excellent company and complementary music. I came relatively close to crossing off the forgotten 'eat on a rooftop' from my Summer Bucket List from 2008, until we were told that the rooftop was only for appetizers. It's funny that no matter however many circumstances, experiences, and memories later, I will always love going downtown with no predetermined destination. I feel like you get to know someone so much better when they are slightly out of their element.

All of a sudden, all of this seems to be coming out of nowhere. All of a sudden, there are so many things that still need to be said and done and it seems like there's time running out. I need to read at least five more books this summer before school starts back up and I can only stand required reading. I need to start saving the $60 a week I need in order to afford Europe next summer. I needed to start doing that like, five weeks ago in order to fit the budget. Too bad a Free People dress seemed more appealing at the time. Too bad I throw my paychecks into my gas tank and down my throat before they ever make it into my bank account. There are so many bike rides and runs that need to be gone on, but it seems like all of my idle time lately has vanished and in their place, exciting plans and long drives have come. I am not complaining about this. I will probably be complaining as soon as I finish my triathlon in August and wish I'd trained a little harder, but I am not complaining. I sound like a crack addict or like some kind of tweaker when I reread this, because there is a month left of summer, not two hours, three days or even a week.

I wish I could stay on one subject when I write.

I'm rereading a lot of things I wrote a little over a month ago and I'm completely calm. Not lacking emotion, like how I spent the month of April, but calm. What I once wrote, hoping that words would weave some weak link to hold our changing paths together for just a little bit longer, I now read with a knowing smile. It's like imagining a photograph one way, and then finally seeing it to realize that the sun wasn't setting, it was rising and that the tear was on the left, not the right. It's still beautiful, with the same impact you had expected, but something is different. The difference is that I don't think I'm going to break down and plead with anything to change what has happened. It was amazing, it broke, and it's not getting fixed. It's like a fake Rolex you buy in Chinatown. You finally get it, and you love it, but when it breaks, it's finished. You can't bring it to a jeweler and ask them to fix it, they won't touch a Rolex. You can't bring it to whatever specialist they tell you either, because they'll know that you bought it for $25 from some man on a street corner and not on a Platinum card. Trying to dwell on this would be like going out and buying a real Rolex and then misplacing it underneath the wheels of my car. It was so so beautiful and I cared so much about it, until something happened and it broke. It's going to take a lot to fix this, and maybe it'll cost too much. Too much of my heart, too many tears, and being disappointed by expectations that no human could fulfill. But we're talking about a fine watch here.. that will cost a couple thousand dollars, at least and some questioning glances about just how a fine piece of Swiss craftsmanship ended up underneath a tire. I've bought watches and have watched them break, only to do the same thing, thinking that this one will be different. This is not about watches. I broke a Rolex recently, but I did not pay for it, nor did I try to get it fixed. In another context, I broke a Rolex and I pleaded with God to please fix this, because it was everything to me. This is about second chances, and maybe even third, but also realizing that with every change, the things that are already broken might not get fixed. This is about finding that a part of myself is written into everything I read and hear. Where that leaves me, I'm not too sure, but I know that the ride has been pretty fun so far, broken timepieces or not.

shitmydadsays

So, I feel like I should make an account of all the hilarious things my dad says, but oh wait.. that's already been done.

But here's a few funny ones anyways.

"Denmark vs. Netherlands at 6am tomorrow.. you in? Dutch and Danes.. Two nationalities you wanna meet when you go to Europe. Tall blonde stoners. yesss"

"Kobe looks like hes spent some time in a concentration camp, he's so skinny." "Or in an underage girls room. wait, was she underage? No he raped her. Gotta get my crimes right"

"Kendrick spent way too much time playing the drug game in his neighborhood and not practicing free throws"

6/5/09

I just wanna wake back up to all of this.

Kiss me through the phone, days of texting. Greek food for your time, cab rides, the 151, art shows, hot tubs, pizza, wanting to do this more often. Panoramic first kiss, never ever wanting to leave. Mirrors, art, sore feet. Comedy, kitchen floors, crying my eyes out. Three fans going at once, your studio apartment, our studio apartment. A pile of my clothes, no bathroom door. Wearing the same damn shirt and shorts to work out in. Sushi, so so much sushi. Driving across town to the theater, always being the only ones there. Getting kissed on the forehead, falling asleep together for six months. Waking up at 7:45 just to fall back asleep in the warm spot you left behind. Your long ass showers. Corn on the cob, allergy medicine and naps that last longer than a movie. Family Guy before bed, awful whole-wheat pancakes and dropped EZ-Mac. Matching blue, lasagna rolls once a week, laughing until it hurt. Snow White and Grumpy. The only time I ever seemed to get mad at you, struggling a bit, but then finally getting to come home. Pain medication, surgery, and hours spent on the couch. Me crying like the world was ending every time we had to say goodbye. Weekends together, movies dinners naps. Cows, dreams of waking up at 815 S. Fell. Sushi, as usual. Olive green, flowers. Going separate ways for the night only to reunite for Primetime and breadsticks. The last twitch before you really fall asleep, sunglasses, your heavy watch. Plane tickets to the other side of the country, and not the right time or place.

Please don't leave.

I don't want this to be real

chocolate frosting

I guess it hurts less to put it into words.

I'm scared for it to turn tomorrow and then I'll have to think about how today this year and today last year are completely different. We came full circle, I guess. I saw you yesterday waiting for me in your driveway and immediately thought of the last time you did that, on that perfect day in June. On that gorgeous day, we didn't know about the rut we would keep falling into, about the apartment we would essentially share, all the amazing times, or just how hard this was all going to be. Ever since, I've fallen asleep clutching Moo like I wish I could do to us- if I hold on tight enough, maybe this all won't fall away from me. If I hold on long enough, maybe everything will go back to how I wish it would. That's not the case. You're airborne right now, leaving behind the state we know so well together and heading towards an oasis for an indefinite amount of time. I miss you already. All I've done this morning since you called is listen to music and try to make myself miserable. This is quite the effort, since my car stereo has decided to stop working, but trust me, I've done it. The funny thing is, looking back on this past year there wasn't anything I would have done differently. I would choose you every time. Because every minute has been worth it. The times you've wondered are only because you strived to do what was best for me and make me happy. Any questions were answered with a kiss on the forehead and looking into brown-blue-green eyes and seeing an answer. Nothing feels right when it's not from your arms.

wanderlust

I knew this was coming.

I've been home a little over twenty-four hours and I've already started looking for a glamourous means of escape. All I can seem to write, think, or talk about revolves around being somewhere different and exciting. I yearn to learn about streets I've never stood on, taste foods I've never even heard of, and bury my feet in the sand of some beach I've never been to. And strangely enough, I long for the familiar destinations at the same time. I can't wait to scoff at Fenway wearing a Yankee hat and carry lobster back to my aunt's house straight from the ocean for dinner. I want another perfect June day downtown at North Avenue beach where time seems to stop. But after all that, or even in between, I want to go. 

It's too late to stop this.

I already know everything there is to know about a work/study visa in Australia. I've already told, not asked, my parents that I'll be doing that for at least the first month of next summer. I can't decide if I want to try and go somewhere urban and take a summer class or two, or if I'd want to work as a farmhand at a ranch in the outback. Two completely different experiences to mull over as the year goes by, I guess. I haven't stopped to even ask myself the question of, why on earth would I want to spend the first month of my summer waking up at dawn in the middle of nowhere to harvest fruit. The more I think about this, I'll probably end up somewhere more.. Denise- urban, by a beach and with an internet connection. 

I don't really know what I expect to get from all of this.

I've never tried something new because I thought it was going to make me a better person in the end. As much as I like to plan obsessively, I have never sat down and thought that doing x would lead to y. I didn't think that in my desperation to get away from Round Lake for a little while and enjoy the east coast last summer would make me that much happier to come home and fall in love with the Chicago all over again. 

<3

I've gotten accustomed to waking up ridiculously early on the weekends with no idea how or why that happened. Usually I can fall back asleep, but this morning I kept dreaming I was going to be late for one of the 900 things I have to do tomorrow. I find it strange how for 23 hours of the day, I feel numb towards almost everything, but as soon as the prospect of being late happens to me in my sleep, I start freaking out. Speaking of that.. I have become the most indecisive person in the world, and I hardly recognize myself. I know that what I want is not necessarily the best thing for me. I'm not letting that get in the way of trying to do what's best, but when I'm trying to do what's best, I think of anything but that. That doesn't even make sense to me, the person writing it, so why would I be able to explain how I'm feeling to someone who asks me. It's not really an awful awful thing though.. It makes it a lot easier to focus on doing what I want to do at the moment, since there's not much there to cloud that. So, what I want to do right now is study next summer somewhere abroad- preferably Australia, but maybe London or Italy. Instead of working on a ton of review guides and other shit I have to do this week, I'm comparison shopping for a new place to call home.

familiar landscapes

One of these days, I'm going to wake up one morning and it won't be to the train whistle or bouncing basketballs at 8am. I won't have to drag myself to sit and listen to conceited professors who think that their class is the only class that matters.. 
It's something about that summer state of mind that makes me think everything will be okay, whether it's for the day, the week, or for three whole months of endless sunshine.
Fresh cut grass, the breeze as it rips through my car with all the windows down. Watching the sun set over the outdoor theater, handstands on Riviera Beach, ivy covered brick. Music carrying across the Milwaukee Harbor, late nights on back porches, Lake Shore Drive shut down for bikes. SPF 5 and crossed fingers that the sun won't burn today. Plane rides to the east coast, freshly caught lobster, and trying to miss the flight home. Late nights and late mornings, with little regard to anything but the here and now. 
I hit a brick wall in the beginning of April and realized that there was little to no hope that I'd be productive for the rest of the school year. I can't think of anything but the seventh inning stretch, how comfy the deck chairs at home are when it's 85 degrees and sunny, or what it's like to eat corn on the cob covered in butter. There's little left to do now but wait as the days tick past and my favorite time finally begins...

I feel like the past week or so I've filled my time with so many distractions, dinners, and nights out that I haven't had time to think about anything deeper than "I guess I could leave class early to lay out in the quad if we're watching another movie in here." I think I'm doing it on purpose. That I hurry to get papers and projects done and then sprint out of my room into the company of others so I don't have to see all the reminders that I am not going to get what I want. That at the end of the day, you'll text me something sweet and it'll break my heart that we're not together, but I know deep down that it's still going to stay that way. 

I've tried being totally hedonistic and just doing things for myself and not caring what direction they go in. This does not work after a few days. I start to feel guilty and realize that I simply can't have it all. I come to realize this time after time and I'm left wondering what exactly I am supposed to have. 

“Every once in while, people step up. They rise above themselves. Sometimes, they fall short. Life is funny sometimes; it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough, you find hope, in the words of children, in the bars of a song, in the eyes of someone you love & if you're lucky, I mean if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love, decides to love you back.”