I'm rereading a lot of things I wrote a little over a month ago and I'm completely calm. Not lacking emotion, like how I spent the month of April, but calm. What I once wrote, hoping that words would weave some weak link to hold our changing paths together for just a little bit longer, I now read with a knowing smile. It's like imagining a photograph one way, and then finally seeing it to realize that the sun wasn't setting, it was rising and that the tear was on the left, not the right. It's still beautiful, with the same impact you had expected, but something is different. The difference is that I don't think I'm going to break down and plead with anything to change what has happened. It was amazing, it broke, and it's not getting fixed. It's like a fake Rolex you buy in Chinatown. You finally get it, and you love it, but when it breaks, it's finished. You can't bring it to a jeweler and ask them to fix it, they won't touch a Rolex. You can't bring it to whatever specialist they tell you either, because they'll know that you bought it for $25 from some man on a street corner and not on a Platinum card. Trying to dwell on this would be like going out and buying a real Rolex and then misplacing it underneath the wheels of my car. It was so so beautiful and I cared so much about it, until something happened and it broke. It's going to take a lot to fix this, and maybe it'll cost too much. Too much of my heart, too many tears, and being disappointed by expectations that no human could fulfill. But we're talking about a fine watch here.. that will cost a couple thousand dollars, at least and some questioning glances about just how a fine piece of Swiss craftsmanship ended up underneath a tire. I've bought watches and have watched them break, only to do the same thing, thinking that this one will be different. This is not about watches. I broke a Rolex recently, but I did not pay for it, nor did I try to get it fixed. In another context, I broke a Rolex and I pleaded with God to please fix this, because it was everything to me. This is about second chances, and maybe even third, but also realizing that with every change, the things that are already broken might not get fixed. This is about finding that a part of myself is written into everything I read and hear. Where that leaves me, I'm not too sure, but I know that the ride has been pretty fun so far, broken timepieces or not.