I've gotten accustomed to waking up ridiculously early on the weekends with no idea how or why that happened. Usually I can fall back asleep, but this morning I kept dreaming I was going to be late for one of the 900 things I have to do tomorrow. I find it strange how for 23 hours of the day, I feel numb towards almost everything, but as soon as the prospect of being late happens to me in my sleep, I start freaking out. Speaking of that.. I have become the most indecisive person in the world, and I hardly recognize myself. I know that what I want is not necessarily the best thing for me. I'm not letting that get in the way of trying to do what's best, but when I'm trying to do what's best, I think of anything but that. That doesn't even make sense to me, the person writing it, so why would I be able to explain how I'm feeling to someone who asks me. It's not really an awful awful thing though.. It makes it a lot easier to focus on doing what I want to do at the moment, since there's not much there to cloud that. So, what I want to do right now is study next summer somewhere abroad- preferably Australia, but maybe London or Italy. Instead of working on a ton of review guides and other shit I have to do this week, I'm comparison shopping for a new place to call home.

familiar landscapes

One of these days, I'm going to wake up one morning and it won't be to the train whistle or bouncing basketballs at 8am. I won't have to drag myself to sit and listen to conceited professors who think that their class is the only class that matters.. 
It's something about that summer state of mind that makes me think everything will be okay, whether it's for the day, the week, or for three whole months of endless sunshine.
Fresh cut grass, the breeze as it rips through my car with all the windows down. Watching the sun set over the outdoor theater, handstands on Riviera Beach, ivy covered brick. Music carrying across the Milwaukee Harbor, late nights on back porches, Lake Shore Drive shut down for bikes. SPF 5 and crossed fingers that the sun won't burn today. Plane rides to the east coast, freshly caught lobster, and trying to miss the flight home. Late nights and late mornings, with little regard to anything but the here and now. 
I hit a brick wall in the beginning of April and realized that there was little to no hope that I'd be productive for the rest of the school year. I can't think of anything but the seventh inning stretch, how comfy the deck chairs at home are when it's 85 degrees and sunny, or what it's like to eat corn on the cob covered in butter. There's little left to do now but wait as the days tick past and my favorite time finally begins...

I feel like the past week or so I've filled my time with so many distractions, dinners, and nights out that I haven't had time to think about anything deeper than "I guess I could leave class early to lay out in the quad if we're watching another movie in here." I think I'm doing it on purpose. That I hurry to get papers and projects done and then sprint out of my room into the company of others so I don't have to see all the reminders that I am not going to get what I want. That at the end of the day, you'll text me something sweet and it'll break my heart that we're not together, but I know deep down that it's still going to stay that way. 

I've tried being totally hedonistic and just doing things for myself and not caring what direction they go in. This does not work after a few days. I start to feel guilty and realize that I simply can't have it all. I come to realize this time after time and I'm left wondering what exactly I am supposed to have. 

“Every once in while, people step up. They rise above themselves. Sometimes, they fall short. Life is funny sometimes; it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough, you find hope, in the words of children, in the bars of a song, in the eyes of someone you love & if you're lucky, I mean if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love, decides to love you back.”