do you wanna leave or somethin'?

I have at least ten million songs stuck in my head right now, yet not one single one can describe how I'm feeling right now. Maybe because it's past 1 am which is FAR past my normal bedtime on weeknights. Maybe because everything seems really indefinite and not decided yet, that I can't really pinpoint one feeling or emotion because I don't really have just one.

Today was a really good day. I learned how my grandma and grandpa met each other, and some of the story from there- something I'd never heard before, and I don't know if my mom even is able to elaborate on. I spent the last hours of daylight on a blanket in the middle of my favorite place on earth with excellent company and complementary music. I came relatively close to crossing off the forgotten 'eat on a rooftop' from my Summer Bucket List from 2008, until we were told that the rooftop was only for appetizers. It's funny that no matter however many circumstances, experiences, and memories later, I will always love going downtown with no predetermined destination. I feel like you get to know someone so much better when they are slightly out of their element.

All of a sudden, all of this seems to be coming out of nowhere. All of a sudden, there are so many things that still need to be said and done and it seems like there's time running out. I need to read at least five more books this summer before school starts back up and I can only stand required reading. I need to start saving the $60 a week I need in order to afford Europe next summer. I needed to start doing that like, five weeks ago in order to fit the budget. Too bad a Free People dress seemed more appealing at the time. Too bad I throw my paychecks into my gas tank and down my throat before they ever make it into my bank account. There are so many bike rides and runs that need to be gone on, but it seems like all of my idle time lately has vanished and in their place, exciting plans and long drives have come. I am not complaining about this. I will probably be complaining as soon as I finish my triathlon in August and wish I'd trained a little harder, but I am not complaining. I sound like a crack addict or like some kind of tweaker when I reread this, because there is a month left of summer, not two hours, three days or even a week.

I wish I could stay on one subject when I write.

I'm rereading a lot of things I wrote a little over a month ago and I'm completely calm. Not lacking emotion, like how I spent the month of April, but calm. What I once wrote, hoping that words would weave some weak link to hold our changing paths together for just a little bit longer, I now read with a knowing smile. It's like imagining a photograph one way, and then finally seeing it to realize that the sun wasn't setting, it was rising and that the tear was on the left, not the right. It's still beautiful, with the same impact you had expected, but something is different. The difference is that I don't think I'm going to break down and plead with anything to change what has happened. It was amazing, it broke, and it's not getting fixed. It's like a fake Rolex you buy in Chinatown. You finally get it, and you love it, but when it breaks, it's finished. You can't bring it to a jeweler and ask them to fix it, they won't touch a Rolex. You can't bring it to whatever specialist they tell you either, because they'll know that you bought it for $25 from some man on a street corner and not on a Platinum card. Trying to dwell on this would be like going out and buying a real Rolex and then misplacing it underneath the wheels of my car. It was so so beautiful and I cared so much about it, until something happened and it broke. It's going to take a lot to fix this, and maybe it'll cost too much. Too much of my heart, too many tears, and being disappointed by expectations that no human could fulfill. But we're talking about a fine watch here.. that will cost a couple thousand dollars, at least and some questioning glances about just how a fine piece of Swiss craftsmanship ended up underneath a tire. I've bought watches and have watched them break, only to do the same thing, thinking that this one will be different. This is not about watches. I broke a Rolex recently, but I did not pay for it, nor did I try to get it fixed. In another context, I broke a Rolex and I pleaded with God to please fix this, because it was everything to me. This is about second chances, and maybe even third, but also realizing that with every change, the things that are already broken might not get fixed. This is about finding that a part of myself is written into everything I read and hear. Where that leaves me, I'm not too sure, but I know that the ride has been pretty fun so far, broken timepieces or not.